


An Ineffable Robbery

by AmphitriteMists



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 1920s, Alternate Universe - Human, Bank Robbery, Fluff and Humor, Heist, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25258075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmphitriteMists/pseuds/AmphitriteMists
Summary: It's the 1920s and Crowley is trying to rob a bank with some friends. Warning: Some strong language.This is a short fic based on Whiteley Foster's Heist AU idea. Check out her work on her Instagram page.Whiteley Foster's Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/p/CCT7zNHlXgr/
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 45





	An Ineffable Robbery

_Fuck_

That about summed up Crowley’s entire situation right now. The funny thing is he knew, HE KNEW he should have asked Aziraphale where he worked. That’s what any normal person would ask on a first date, right? But, if he was being honest, he got distracted by the adorable way Aziraphale savored each bite of the crepe he ordered and the way his eyes lit up when he was summarizing the book he had just finished reading. At the time, Crowley already decided that he would be calling this cheeky cherub again so he thought it safe to assume that all those trivial details he didn’t catch about him would be captured on another date.

_Maybe it’s not him_ , he thought to himself. Wishful thinking really, but he was squinting now trying to make out if the man with the sunny blond hair was really the same man he went out with a few days ago. He had a pleasant smile on his face as he handed an old man a small envelope stuffed with money and, if that smile wasn’t enough to give him away, he was wearing a tartan bow tie that looked identical to the one Aziraphale had sported on their date. 

“What’sz the problem?” Beezlebub hissed from the passenger seat. They were looking at Crowley with suspicion. Crowley startled and quickly pulled his focus away from the car window. He didn’t want any of his friends to think he was having second thoughts. But he was because the man working inside that bank was most definitely Aziraphale.

“Nothing,” he said nonchalantly as he slipped his balaclava over his head. “I was just thinking. You know this bank looks like it’s too well guarded. It might be better if we found someplace else to rob.”

“I knew it,” Hastur sneered from the back seat. “I told you he would bail on us at the last second. Never should’ve let him come. I don’t trust him. We’ve invited him too many times before and now suddenly he’s eager to join up. He’s gonna get us all caught, Beezlebub.”

“No, no, no I’m not backing out. I just—” 

“Save it, Crowley,” Ligur said. “This is a simple job. I scouted the place myself.” 

Beezlebub flung open their door and slammed it shut. Then, they walked around and opened the driver’s door for Crowley. “Come on. I know it’sz normal to have jitterz your first time but we don’t have all day to find a place that’sz to your liking.” 

“But I—” He started, but Ligur and Hastur were already out of the car too and following Beezlebub into the establishment. His grip on the steering wheel tightened. For a moment, he thought about taking the Bently and leaving them all behind. He’d surely get in trouble for it later but at least he wouldn’t have to face Aziraphale like this. But, what if they started hurting people? He tried not to think of his friends as murderers but he knew each of them was desperate and desperation can’t be trusted. He wouldn’t put it past them to shoot the bank teller if things didn’t go their way. He sighed. It’s not like he was robbing Aziraphale, just the place he worked at. Damn it all to hell. 

He grabbed a handgun from the glove compartment, took the bullets out, and sauntered vaguely after his friends. 

The moment they entered the bank someone let out a high pitched scream. Everyone in the building looked up and dropped to the floor at the sight of four armed burglars marching through the doorway. Hastur fired two warning shots into the air as Ligur barked out orders and herded everyone towards one side of the room. 

Crowley clutched his gun nervously, unsure of what he was supposed to be doing. But he knew what he wanted to be doing. His eyes darted frantically, scanning the room for— 

“Hey, Snake!” Beezlebub shouted. Crowley turned around at the sound of his codename and saw Beezlebub standing behind the counter, one arm locked around Aziraphale’s and the other pointing a gun at his head. “Thiz one’sz kindly offered to show uz to the back room. Bring the bagz and let’sz move.” 

Crowley gritted his teeth. Ligur and Hastur each threw their large duffel bags at him and he caught them with ease. 

“Frog! Lizard! Keep an eye on thiz lot. Make sure none of them do anything funny,” Beezlebub said, before pulling Aziraphale to the back. 

“I don’t like funny,” Hastur sneered. Crowley didn’t want to leave these people under Hastur and Ligur’s care, but he had a bigger problem to deal with. 

Aziraphale was notably shaking and Crowley could do nothing to reassure him. Unlike the gun in his own hand, he knew that Beezlebub’s weapon was fully loaded and that they weren’t the type of person to deliver empty threats. He could only hope that Aziraphale was smart enough not to do anything that would make them upset.

They stopped in front of a steel door. Aziraphale took the ring of keys out of his pocket and unlocked it. Before them was a dimly lit stairwell that would take them underground. 

“After you,” Beezlebub said, pushing Aziraphale forward. The stairwell was the sort of thing one would find described in an Edgar Allen Poe poem. Spiderwebs hung on rims of oil lamps and their footsteps echoed on the stone floor. Crowley didn’t mind the spooky atmosphere. He liked spooky. Big spooky fan. What he did mind was that Beezlebub still had their gun trained on Aziraphales’ head.

“Do you have to do that, Fly?” Crowley asked.

Beezlebub looked at him like he was stupid. “Do what?”

“You know,” Crowley said, gesturing vaguely. “The whole pointing the gun at his head thing. Are you planning on doing that the whole time? He’s not going anywhere. Right, angel?”

Aziraphale was staring at him now too. His pale blue eyes looked at Crowley questioningly, but he took the hint. “Yes, yes, he’s right you know. I don’t have anywhere to go.”

Beezlebub groaned but, to Crowley’s surprise and relief, lowered the gun to their side.

The three of them walked down in silence until they reached another door at the bottom. Aziraphale fiddled with his key ring again and opened the door revealing a room filled with vaults.

“Which one do you want me to open first?” asked Aziraphale.

“How about the one with the most money in it?” Beezlebub snarled.

“Well you can’t very well expect me to memorize the exact amount in each—”

“Let’s just start with this one,” Crowley offered quickly, pointing at the door nearest to them. Beezlebub scowled at him but nodded at Aziraphale to unlock the vault. Aziraphale shot a quick glance at Crowley again with the same questioning look in his eyes. Crowley turned away sheepishly.

When the vault was unlocked, Crowley stared dumbfounded at the stacks of money lined up neatly in the middle. There had to be more than fifty thousand pounds in this vault and he could only imagine how much the others held.

Beezlebub pushed Crowley forward, snapping him back to reality. He didn’t have time to inspect the numbers on each note as he began to fill up one of the duffel bags with money.

“Hurry up, Snake!” Beezlebub exclaimed impatiently after a few minutes of stuffing. The bag was only a quarter filled.

“You try rapidly stuffing this many notes in a duffel bag!”

______ _ _

“Quit complaining. You got the eazy job,” they said, rolling their eyes.

______ _ _

“Oh I got the easy job,” he said over his shoulder as he grabbed another wad of notes. “Forgive me if I don’t find what you’re doing so difficult. Why don’t you fill up a bag while I look after the bank teller?”

______ _ _

“Fine.” Beezlebub shoved Aziraphale towards Crowley. “Since you’re so worried about him. He’sz your problem. Give him the other bag. Thiz would go a lot faster if thiz one made himself more uzeful.”

______ _ _

Aziraphale stared at them in disbelief. “What? You want me to help? Isn’t it enough that I got you all back here?”

______ _ _

Crowley nudged him with the bag giving him his best “don’t make Beezlebub angry” look. Aziraphale snatched it out of his hands. There was a rattling sound from the doorway and they both looked up to see Beezlebub waving a ring of keys in the air. Aziraphale’s ring of keys.

______ _ _

Beezlebub smirked. “You two have fun. I’ll be doing my own shopping.” They twirled the keys in the air and left the two men alone in the vault.

______ _ _

No sooner had they gone did Aziraphale throw the bag down in disgust. “What the hell are you doing here, Crowley?!”

______ _ _

Crowley nearly choked. “What?! How did you know it was me?!”

______ _ _

“I’m not stupid. I can see your red hair peeking out from under that balaclava and your voice is quite recognizable, dear boy.”

______ _ _

“What?! My voice is not—” Crowley hastily attempted to tuck away some hair but the damage was already done. “Shit if Beezlebub finds out. Wait, shit I meant the Fly will—bloody hell! I’m not cut out for this kind of job!”

______ _ _

“Which brings me back to the question: what the hell are you doing here?”

______ _ _

Crowley really needed to pull himself together. He summoned his best cool guy attitude and tried again. “Working. Same as you.”

______ _ _

Aziraphale was not amused.

______ _ _

“Well it sure beats a desk job.” Crowley shrugged, returning his focus to stuffing his bag.

______ _ _

“You can’t be serious.”

______ _ _

“Alright. Alright. If it makes you feel any better this isn’t what I normally do for a living. I mean my friends are a little nuts over it but I swear this is a one time gig.” Crowley waved a wad of notes at Aziraphale for emphasis. “You should start filling your bag. They could come back any second now.”

______ _ _

Aziraphale rolled his eyes but picked up his bag anyway. “Well, I hope you enjoy this rendezvous because I’m going to be reporting you to the authorities when this is all over.”

______ _ _

A flash of panic welled up in Crowley. “No! You can’t.”

______ _ _

“And why not?”

______ _ _

“For starters, my friends out there will kill you. They aren’t very nice people.”

______ _ _

“Oh and you are?”

______ _ _

“I am,” Crowley said defensively.

______ _ _

“You are robbing a bank, Crowley! My bank! I could get into a lot of trouble for this you know! Head office won’t overlook the fact that I let you all in, even if you had a gun pointed at my head!”

______ _ _

“Well I didn’t know it was your bank now did I? You didn’t tell me where you worked!”

______ _ _

“You didn’t ask!” Aziraphale shoved a wad of notes into his duffel bag and Crowley mimicked his movement. So apparently robbing your boyfriend’s bank was a turn-off. Wait, was he his boyfriend? Sure they’ve gone on one date. One amazing date with the promise of more, but after this disaster, he didn’t think the date mattered much to Aziraphale.

______ _ _

Aziraphale sniffled. “I really liked you, you know? You seemed so sweet when we met at the flower shop. And I really enjoyed talking to you. You’re the first man I’ve met that hasn’t told me to shut up the moment I start rambling about ancient literature.”

______ _ _

Crowley sighed. “For what it’s worth I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. This seemed like a good option on paper.”

______ _ _

Aziraphale didn’t laugh. He gently placed a hand on top of Crowley’s. There was an unmoving intensity in his tone but also a level of kindness and understanding that Crowley didn’t feel like he deserved. “I’m sure there are other ways to make ends meet, my dear.”

______ _ _

It was too much. Crowley would miss that about Aziraphale. His tendency to call him by such a sweet endearment after everything that’s transpired in the last few minutes.

______ _ _

“The money isn’t for me,” he explained. “Well, at least the share that my friends will give me. I own the flower shop, I didn’t lie about that, but I volunteer at a children’s hospital. There’s this little girl there who’s always the first one to pick out a flower arrangement when I bring some. The doctors aren’t sure what’s wrong with her but it’s not good. Her family can’t afford to pay the medical bills anymore. They are talking about pulling her off treatment. Not their fault. Kind folks really, but they have three other kids to think about.

______ _ _

It’s not fair. I’ve known that family for a while now. They work hard and they are doing everything they can but they can’t save their little girl. Meanwhile, blokes who keep their money in this establishment have more than enough and it’s all going to go to less important things like fancy cars or big parties. Why?”

______ _ _

Aziraphale’s expression turned soft. “I don’t know, my dear. I’m sorry but—”

______ _ _

“I know. I know stealing is morally wrong but it’s not like I have the money to help. I live in a small flat by myself and the only thing of value I keep in there are the houseplants and those aren’t worth shit when it comes down to it. My friends have always been trying to convince me to join them on their excursions and I’ve always refused but this time I’m desperate, Aziraphale. I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t want her to die like so many of the others. Not when there is something I can do about it this time.”

______ _ _

Perhaps, he wasn’t cut out to volunteer at the children’s hospital. It broke his heart to see kids suffering from illnesses that he couldn’t cure. But he kept going back anyways to try and bring some shred of joy into their lives.

______ _ _

“What’s the girl’s name?”

______ _ _

“Huh?” The question took Crowley by surprise.

______ _ _

“The one you’re looking after in the hospital. What’s her name?”

______ _ _

There was a brief silence before Crowley answered. “Mary.”

______ _ _

“Would she want you to be risking your life like this?”

______ _ _

“S’ppose not but I’m already here so might as well see the damn thing through.”

______ _ _

Aziraphale shook his head.

______ _ _

“Are you two finished?” Beezlebub called out. Crowley and Aziraphale both jumped apart just as Beezlebub materialized in front of the doorway. They held up their full bags in response.

______ _ _

“Good. Me too. Let’sz get out of here, Snake, before the buzzkillz show up.” They threw the ring of keys back at Aziraphale and marched out, not waiting to see if Crowley would follow.

______ _ _

“Is she always that cranky?” Aziraphale asked.

______ _ _

“They,” Crowley corrected. “Are _they_ always that cranky? The answer is yes. Best you stay down here. Wait till we’re gone.”

He grabbed the duffel bag from Aziraphale’s hand. “I won’t bother you again.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Pity,” Aziraphale said, with a mischievous grin. “I know this place that does remarkable things to oysters and I was hoping I could take you there sometime.”

________ _ _ _ _

“I’ve never eaten an oyster,” Crowley said. Inside he was practically skipping. This wouldn’t be the last time they would see each other.

________ _ _ _ _

“Oh let me tempt you to—”

________ _ _ _ _

They were interrupted by the sounds of guns firing and shouts coming from above.

________ _ _ _ _

Crowley’s face paled. He sprinted out the door and ran smack into Beezlebub. “What’s going on? Why are they firing? You said we wouldn’t hurt anyone!”

________ _ _ _ _

“The cops are here,” Beezlebub scowled. Ligur and Hastur came rushing down the stairs in a hurry.

________ _ _ _ _

“We locked the door, boss,” Hastur said. “That should hold them for some time.”

________ _ _ _ _

“What do we do now?” Ligur asked.

________ _ _ _ _

“There is an emergency exit in the back,” Aziraphale piped up. Everyone turned to him. “I’ll show you but you have to hurry.” He began to march off but stopped when he realized no one was following him.

________ _ _ _ _

“How do we know we can trust you?” Hastur said, raising his brow in suspicion.

________ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale scoffed, but it was Crowley that spoke up. “Whether you guys trust him or not, he is our only option right now. Lead the way, angel.”

________ _ _ _ _

The group followed Aziraphale to the back where a metal ladder was bolted to one side of the wall. On the ceiling above, there was a round door. Aziraphale gave his keys to Crowley and gestured upwards. “Climb up the ladder and unlock the door with the small silver key. It leads directly into the alleyway behind the bank. I trust that you can take care of yourself from there.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Thank you,” Crowley said.

________ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale smiled. “Good luck.”

________ _ _ _ _

As he waddled back the way they came Crowley’s friends stared at him in amazement. “How the hell did you do that?” Beezlebub demanded.

________ _ _ _ _

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

________ _ _ _ _

Crowley ascended the ladder and unlocked the door. When he pushed it open, he was hit by the blinding light outside. He threw the bag over his head and climbed out.

________ _ _ _ _

“Freeze,” a voice yelled.

________ _ _ _ _

Crowley froze. He turned to see a grey-haired but rather handsome looking officer pointing a gun at his face.

________ _ _ _ _

“Uh hello,” Crowley said awkwardly.

________ _ _ _ _

Beezlebub popped out of the hole next. “What the hell is going on now?” They turned and saw the officer. Their mouth fell open. “Gabriel? What are you doing here?”

________ _ _ _ _

“Beezlebub? You’re the one robbing this establishment?”

________ _ _ _ _

“You know him?” Crowley said as Hastur pulled himself out of the hole followed by Ligur.

________ _ _ _ _

“We have a bit of an arrangement going on. Nothing serious,” Beezlebub shrugged. Gabriel couldn’t mask his hurt fast enough.

________ _ _ _ _

_For heaven’s sake_ , Crowley thought. _Note to self: always ask what someone’s job is on the first date. ___

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You’re under arrest—” Gabriel started but he didn’t get to finish. Beezlebub flew forward, effortlessly knocked the gun out of Gabriel’s hands, and punched him in the cock. Gabriel doubled over with a groan. Crowley, Ligur, and Hastur all winced in sympathy.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Beezlebub worked quickly, taking off one of their socks and stuffing it in Gabriel’s mouth before he could cry out. They grabbed the officer’s hands and locked them behind his back. “Don’t just stand there, idiotz! Help me hold him down!” Hastur and Ligur rushed forward and held Gabriel’s hands as Beezlebub grabbed the handcuffs from Gabriel’s belt and cuffed them around his wrists and legs.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Crowley picked up their bags and handed them to Hastur and Ligur. “Alright. Let’s go. Take the bags to the car. We’ll meet you there.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

They nodded and took off. Crowley watched as Beezlebub knelt in front of Gabriel and kissed his cheek. “There’s more where that came from, dearie. I’ll see you around.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There was alarm in the officer’s violet eyes but Crowley knew the chap would be lying if he could say he wasn’t turned on.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Kinky,” Crowley said with a smirk.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Shut up and move it before his friends come looking for him.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~~~

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

One month later, Crowley was sitting at a park bench waiting. The day after the robbery Aziraphale stopped by the flower shop. As it turned out, he was being questioned by police officers and the bank manager, who weren’t convinced that he wasn’t in league with the robbers. Crowley felt responsible for his situation but Aziraphale assured him that he had no hard feelings.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I won’t be stopping by here for a while,” Aziraphale had said. “I don’t want to blow your cover, but I’ll call you as soon as I think it’s safe.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale didn’t see him at first. His immediate response upon entering the park was, tragically, not to look for Crowley but to feed the ducks. Damn ducks. Why do they get all the attention? Crowley got up and walked over.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Hello Aziraphale,” he said cheerfully.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale turned to him and smiled. “My dear boy, fancy seeing you here.” As though he wasn’t the one that called Crowley over.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Is everything alright? You never told me exactly what happened after we left?” Crowley asked, lowering his voice.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yes, just fine. Like I told you before, I was under investigation because the officers found me waiting for them in the vaults after you all left. I told them you had taken my keys and climbed out the back entrance but all they found was a poor officer tied up in his own handcuffs. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that would you?”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Beezlebub,” Crowley said with a shrug.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale nodded. “Yes, well luckily he claims he doesn’t know what any of you look like. I guess your disguises weren’t so terrible.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Crowley already knew this. Gabriel had kept silent about Beezlebub’s identity. Lord knows how Beezlebub managed to keep the police officer silent but Crowley did want to ask. He suspected some favors were distributed and not of the monetary type.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I was fired though. My boss never liked me much. Only a matter of time really.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let Beezlebub involve you in our scheme.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Don’t,” Aziraphale said, waving his hand dismissively. “I hated that job. You were right. A desk job is rather boring.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Oh really?”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yes. In fact, I’ve already found a new job. There’s a nice gentleman in Soho, Terry, his name is, that owns the most marvelous bookshop. I visit the place all the time but it turns out he’s leaving town and he was planning on putting the place on the market. I was shocked. That bookshop is one of my favorite places in the world. I cannot imagine someone else buying it and turning it into some office building of a sort. So I offered to buy the place from him. I don’t have a lot either but Terry is a dear friend of mine and he gave me the shop at a good price.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Just like that huh?”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You’re looking at the proud owner of a secondhand bookshop. You should really come see it sometime.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I think I can drop by.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“How’s Mary doing?”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

At the sound of the kid’s name, Crowley smiled. “Better. Her family doesn’t know it’s me that gave them money. I’m trying to be discrete about it. An envelope of cash every month and a little more when needed but not all at once. I don’t want to raise suspicion. I don’t know if she will make a full recovery but she has more time.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You really are a nice person, my dear.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Even after robbing that bank and getting you fired?”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Well, it wasn’t entirely your fault. You’re just like a real-life Robin Hood.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Never seen that film. That the one with Fairbanks in it?” Crowley asked.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale looked at him with a horrified expression that made him want to laugh. “You can’t be serious? Robin Hood is a famous centuries old tale. Everyone knows it.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Maybe you could tell me about it over a spot of lunch, angel,” he said innocently. “I think I recall someone saying they knew a place that sold oysters.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Aziraphale rolled his eyes. “You wily serpent.”

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And the ex-bank teller and the ex-robber walked away together chatting happily.

___________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
